PND & Me

Looking down on the life I created,
I love him so much,
But towards my own self I’ve started to feel hatred.

I don’t look, think or feel the same.
I’m a Mum now that’s my prominent name.

Can I keep him safe? Does he know he is loved?
I feel the pressure rising, my anxieties being prodded & shoved.

I have always wanted a child so why am I so sad?
I cry when he cries, I never thought it would be this bad.

Scrolling through social media looking at other Mum’s,
They look so happy with their tidy homes & flat tums.

Greasy hair, creased clothes, where can I find the time?
My priorities have changed now it’s his needs before mine

Sterilising, pumping, winding and changing.
My life has become a constant checklist of jobs that need facing.

I used to feel confident, attractive and strong.
Now I feel inadequate, I’m doing Motherhood all wrong.

It’s not that I want a life without my little one,
I just want to enjoy this new life with the darkness gone.

I felt all alone like I was the only Mum to ever feel this way
“Its not natural” I tell myself, I should be happy every day.

“Cherish every moment they grow up so quick”
But when my baby wakes of a morning I start to feel panicky and sick.

It all gets too much and I feel I cant cope.
I sob to my partner, on my tears I choke.

Enough is enough this needs to change.
So a trip to my GP I nervously arrange.

I begin realise I’m not the odd Mum out.
My doctor herself suffered with the same thoughts of self doubt.

I start to talk about my feelings like they’re big confession.
She then diagnoses me with post natal depression.

“But I have a bond with my child I dont want him gone!”
“It doesn’t mean you don’t love him” she says, “PND is different for everyone.”

A bad pregnancy or traumatic birth can both be a trigger.
Yet there is such a stigma about the perfect Mother figure.

There is now a little pill that every day I have to take.
I might not always need it, but to feel better it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make.

As time passes my gloomy fog begins to lift.
I’m calmer, happier and my new chapter of life now feels like a gift.

I still have times when I’m anxious to even push the pram in the street.
But I appreciate the small things like his dimpled little hands or chubby feet.

I’m not a perfect Mum but I’m doing my upmost best,
And I have realised it’s not weakness if I need to ask for help and admit I need a rest.

So to all Mum’s reading this who think, “that sounds like me”
You owe it to yourself and baby to go and see your GP

It’s not shameful, it’s common and even Dad’s can get it too.
And to look after your baby you need to look after you!

Written by Ellena Ali

04.02.20